I had planned for two whole days to take a 7 pm yoga class. My thoughts were excited to return to a full 90 minute meditation in practise which is what I like to call a lengthy asana/pranayama class. I was looking forward to being 'instructed' and taken outside of my own head. I was struggling to remain present in my moments as my mind kept telling a story that I was not yet ready to 'let go' of and as a result, could not quite participate fully in observation of my moments. I had been hurt. I wanted space from this hurt, just for a moment.
Then, the phone rang. "Hello. "
Hubby "what's up?"
Me: "Uh, getting ready to head to yoga".
Hubby: "I am not feeling so hot"
Me: "I am sorry. Mm, can you rest up? Take some Ibuprofen?"
Hubby: "yeah but ..."
Me: "But what?"
Hubby: "Are we cooking these veggies tonight?"
Me: "No, I am going to Yoga. I will do it this weekend."
Hubby: " Ah, they can't wait til this weekend, they will go bad. Ok, you go to yoga and I will cook the veggies." (Did I detect a sound of disdain?)
Me: Silence as I wanted to scream. Feeling absolutely horrible for not wanting to go home and help my hubby out. Totally debating if I should focus on my self- which is a ok with me. I need to take care of me as well, oh god, why does this have to happen when I need my yoga class the most!!!!?
And on and on my little thought processes complained. Then, I stopped. Noticed what I was doing. I have the freedom, the tools to make a choice. I have everything I needed right then and there in that moment. I can choose to access that space in my own mind and body that gives me the exact same results as attending a 'yoga class'. It is called 'life'.
"Yoga is the movement of the life current... into its inherent relationships, the body, the breath and perceptions, our experience. To merge, to be with our experience rather than react to our experience, is yoga. Then we are no longer clogging our system with our reaction. The energy of life flows." - Mark Whitwell.
I can experience "Yoga" at any given moment. I decided to take my Yogic practice home with me, forgoing the asana practice, instead- finding the yogic experience through direct participation with relationship. I chose to go home, and practice the 'letting go' of my expectation, the hurt, the perspective that fueled the hurt, opened my heart to my hubby, and tried to fully participate in the moment. Making the decision was easy, putting it into practice once I was home- was the challenge.
I had been hurt by words spoken and to be present in the same space that was a constant reminder of the 'hurt' was difficult. I avoided eye contact for a good half hour, then I decided that I did not need to hear or receive anything from my hubby, that I had all I needed in this moment. I did not need his hugs or acknowledgement or his smile or touch that at this moment, I needed to be loving to self and commit to being fully present with self and with the relationship towards my hubby without the preconceived 'need' from hubby. I chose to 'let go' in just this moment.
And together, we prepared meals and dessert together: Vegan chocolate Mousse and Dharma Shala Soup!!
And so , I focused on a deep breath, then I looked at hubby and said "I see you." Smiled and thanked him for making me a better person. Told him I needed to forgive him and he hugged me and said he never meant to hurt me.
And now , I sit, with a tummy full of yummy vegan chocolate mousse- that I made participating in my moment, a moment that I would have missed out on- if I would have chosen to stay inside of myself and not allow my mind, my body to participate in the experience of 'relationship' other than my own. A memory now, that will reinforce the ability of the 'process' to create change in my heart, body, and mind.
Relationships suck sometimes because getting hurt- totally sucks. But, the process of remaining present, the process of forgiving, of loving, of being compassionate to self and to others- deepens the connection to self and others. In it's irony, relationship is necessary to live life to the fullest, to help us see beyond our own selfishness, to learn compassion to self, to others, to learn how to forgive, to learn what we are capable of and that we most assuredly- have all we need already within ourselves.
The irony of this story, is that I chose to act in love to myself first. I chose to listen to my need for healthy relationship, my need to learn to let go of my pain and the only way for me to do this- is to directly confront the pain- being in it's presence and proactively 'letting go' by participation in the life experience that was playing out- preparing meals with hubby. I intend to live in freedom.
"The cultural obsession of looking for perfection diminishes our noticing the perfection that is already established in us as life and abundantly given." Mark Whitwell.
Vegan Chocolate Mousse:
This recipe was taken from "Raw Food, Real World" by Sarma Melngailis. She owns a cool kick ass Raw Vegan Restaurant in Greenwich New York called 'Pure Food and Wine'
2 cups coconut meat (baby coconut is best I think!)
3/4 cup coconut water, at room temperature
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/3 cup agave nectar
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
In a Vita-mix or high speed blender, puree ALL ingredients! Then transfer to bowls or cups to chill in the fridge or eat right away! I prefer it chilled with a little fruit on top or whipped cream.
The hardest part is getting the baby coconut open and scooping all the insides out but it is so FUN!!!
Dharma Shala Soup